The Priest Without Pants
We could not go out
Man were we screwed
So we sat in the house
and ate all the food
We ate all the popcorn,
the peanuts and candy
And washed it all down
with whatever was handy
A knock on the door made
us pause from our feast
Then the door opened wide
and in walked the Priest
Soaked to the bone
from his head to his
toes
He said "someone help
me get out of these clothes".
Then the Priest looked
around, and then what
did he see?
He picked
out two somebody's
Billy and me
He took off his collar
and undid his pants
and with a wink and
a smile he started to
dance
He asked us to help
him remove all the
rest
And said we could all
play a game called
'undressed'
"A very fun game
I will show it to you
And I promise that no
one will mind if I do"
But our fish said
"Oh no, make that
Priest go away!
Tell that Priest
without pants
you do NOT
want to play!
He SHOULD NOT be
here promising
fun!
He SHOULD NOT be
here with his trousers
undone!"
"But I came here
to play" said the
half-naked Priest
"I know a few games
You should try them at least
These games are quite fun
I will show them to you
They involve sleeping
pills and a six pack or
two"
Then true to his word the
Priest cracked a beer
And invited us over with
a mischievous leer
“A sip of this stuff will
not cause any pain
Take a swig and I’ll
show you a new little
game"
"Put that down!” said our fish
“Make that Priest go away!
Tell that Priest without pants
you do NOT want to play!
He SHOULD NOT be here
promising fun!
He SHOULD NOT be here
with his trousers undone!"
But Billy and I were
a rebellious pair
And to be offered
beer was incredibly
rare
So we each grabbed
a cold one and in
one mighty swig
We downed 16 oz
like a couple of
pigs
And soon (very soon)
the room started to spin
And I vaguely remember
the Priest’s evil grin
And the sound of his
laughter as his shorts
hit the floor
And his clod hopping
footsteps as he locked
our front door
Then he took a few steps
towards Billy and me
and we shivered and shook
when he touched Billy's knee
Then all of a sudden,
or it seemed so at least
Billy threw up on the
horny old Priest
Yes up came the popcorn
the peanuts and beer
And covered the Priest
from his feet to his ear
Then without warning
and almost on cue
I started barfing
when Billy was through
The Priest gave a cry
and then lickity split
He ran from the room
(the dirty old shit)
He grabbed up his garments
and sped from our home
On his way out the door
he dropped his cell phone
So calmly and coolly
I called the newspaper
and then the police
to report the old raper
I said "you can't miss him
he turned left on Duke
He's completely naked
and covered in puke"
And within thirty minutes
the cops had their man
They booked him and
tossed him right into
the can
Then I turned to Billy
and gave him a smile
The Priest was in jail
and awaiting a trial
But Billy was pale
and didn’t look good
He seemed almost frozen
in the place where he stood
He had to sit down
and he looked pretty weak
Then he asked "when the hell
did our fish learn to speak?"
Another fine narrative piece which holds the reader’s interest through out…. The theme may be dark, but the humour and wit stand out and make it a very pleasant poem to read. Very nice to read.
Hahahaa! An all time classic I'm sure! better than fantastic write
A riot of a verse and very very astutely written Patrick lol.One of your boldest cleverest best creation! So much enjoyed..
Humour is great never let that go confessions self>...thanks for the tale enjoyable indeed...regards
Ha ha... Well worth the wait. Wolves in sheep's clothing have nothing to complain about when they get sheared.
Too close to truth for comfort. Attacking a serious subject with humour At least makes folks sit up and take notice.
Excellent! I am thankful the bad man did not succeed. It too readily provoked a laugh, out loud from me (I am sorry to say since the subject matter is no laughing matter). When did the fish learn to speak? Its a wonder the boys had such a helper, and had been sufficiently brilliant in stomaching so much food ere they embarked on that devilish venture. La, but you write well. Now to tease you into better topics...
John: No, not autobiographical I'm afraid. My molester wasn't a priest. The guy who got me got away with it, as I was too afraid to tell anyone. Since he was never held accountable, I figure the next best thing is to go after an organization that protected and hid pedophiles for decades.
You've done it Patrick! Taken an horrific experience that too many have suffered and dashed it against the rocks of humour. Nothing can survive being laughed at . And this had me laughing like mad. Superbly written poetry at its very best. Recommended. :) kath xxx
True confession? LOL
so glad I read part 2, fish are very wise creatures, and thank God you threw up on cue lol......... on a more serious note, a great write highlighting abuse
A tale well-told and well-concluded, Patrick...some of the nightmarish moments in the first part reminded me of some of the more bizarre Goya paintings, so well can Goya's bleak paintings illustrate the first half of this poem...One cannot be moved by the power of these lines.
Glad for the happy end, thank you, I can laugh now , but not too hard, only half .. Not 4 yet, as lucky as these boys I was , a man took me into the woods but I escaped with not a scratch. So lucky am I to be ok and alive.
Worth waiting for, Patrick. I love the last two lines. Always listen to the fish! lol
Excellent narrative satirical in content and very very cutting!