dancing on the edge...(final version of 'If I Live...')
(Thank you all kind poets... my draft 'If I live...,' was published in error before it was ready, and without my realizing it... and now has quite a number of comments. If those who commented could do so again... I would be most grateful... Thank you very much)
(Meter: 3/3/3/1... emphasis on first word of each phrase, i.e. twice in each line. Picture: Joe Burke)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
seeing your...face finely
etched chiseled...strong
certain as...rock face that
you can’t be... wrong
haven’t you...answers for
things great and...small
yet if I'm...troubled it's
not you I...call
~
I've tried my...whole life and
waited in...vain
showers of...thoughtfulness
welcoming...rain
when it's what...you want it's
all you can...see
your house is...all aflame
soon we won’t... be
~
grinding me...down as you're
deaf to my...pleas
too many...times I've been
brought to my...knees
viewing your...stance and I'm
wondering...why
I didn't...realize
that I might...die
~
spent are my...hopes for from
life I’ve been...jailed
thickets of...selfishness
kindness has...failed
even when...sorrys come
it’s not for...real
wind carried...embers it’s
faulty this...spiel
~
if I still...live I will
focus on...me
say what I...want to I
won’t need to...flee
dare to make...errors and
laugh at the...breeze
dance to the...music of
wind in the...trees
It has an interesting rhythm. Very soft, delicate. I've read 3 of your poems thus far and I already see range in subject matter and treatment, with a diversity of rhythms.
Wowers! Awesome. Intriguing yet potently laden with, if not bitterness, something very like to it. Poignant and wonderfully rhythmic. Each couplet stanza complements the next and flows as a bittersweet river longing for freedom...and love? Excellent imagery and mode of conveyance. I love how very well it is executed. Superb, haunting cry of how many?
You have to care for yourself to enable you to do good.
I felt sorrow in the pleas, so many I saw as a child your poem is a true reality write and to dance with the music of the wind perfect for a perfect poem...regards
Of course for me it has a melody, gracious in movement, divine in sentiment. Who could want for more in a poem? Dorothy A Poet Who Loves To Sing
Could it be anything more asked of a poem? No way! I have been taught wise thoughts, pleased with a design of perfectly lined words sprinkled with dots to give me time to take a breathe between the spins and the sways of my soul which joyful danced. Thank you!!
Now I can see how perfect a work can be! Loved this version more.Amazingly creative and superbly written Robyn.Love it.
Innovative use of ellipses - a poem to fire the mind and touch the heart. Emotive, creative poetry. :)
a long but not lengthy poem, in unique formt. thanks
A fabulous, very creative and totally unique poem! Utterly delightful flow in this piece. Beautiful message, eloquently written. Thanks, Robyn!
Most effective Robyn and the image makes a bold statement too. The format allows the reader to pause on the words where you know the emphasis should be, and the message is loud and clear. A really interesting style and another unique poem from you~
Like the Poem and appreciate the sentiments.
There is poetic beauty in it and it also touches the philosophical heights.
very creative and artistic.
The pauses, the engage with the following group if words is superb! A deeply moving poem, Robyn. Beautiful.
Really creative music within poem beautiful
Good work...nicely innovative, Robyn...maintains good rhyming
Wow.. Robyn.. This is such an amazing write, rhymed and patterned... And expressive... Am awed by it! :) tfs..
yes, inventive form/structure and fine in both versions
This is very beautiful! You really did a great job with this piece. Keep doing blessing us with work like this.
Chiselled in everyheart with your soft chisel? Many thanks indeed!
A thought provoking and haunting write Robyn with an equally haunting image - perfectly rhymed too - Great poetry
this is a sweet read .the aloneness of trying so and it slipping away ,I'm going to enjoy your poems