My grandmother and I had a very complicated relationship. I wrote this shortly after her death in 2010.
Misguided Grief
She died today.
The one that always made me feel safe.
The one that taught me to manipulate,
to deceive, to use a smile as a disguise.
How dare she?
How dare she leave this world?
Not now. Not now!
I'm not finished with her yet.
I need her.
I loathe her.
She confuses me.
She makes me understand.
She taught me the game.
She invented the game.
I'm tired of the game.
No more playing the game.
It wasn't all a lie.
Was it?
Was I just another pawn?
Was I your queen?
I want the answers.
It's my turn to ask.
I need the answers.
I need the truth.
I've been so angry.
I've been so lost.
Why didn't you come for me?
Did I even matter to you at all?
The girl inside misses you so.
The woman inside can't run far enough away.
The girl still needs you.
The woman still needs you, too.
an exceptional write. All the struggle and want and sorrow and need and uncertainty so well expressed. A potent piece. tfs
you have expressed your ambivalence well--it is common, or more appropriately, universal, especially when reflecting about those who have died--imperfect creatures we are, both she and thee and that is nothing to be ashamed of--you have embraced that concept well also
You sure are a writer gal! Love the chess imagery in the poem, too bad a bad memory inspired this.
This was actually my maternal grandmother. The grandmother(Nana) that I wrote about in Loretta's Song was my paternal grandma. The grandmother in this poem did love me, I have no doubt. However, unfortunately, she was living in and ultimately passed on the horrible cycle of dysfunction that is entirely too easy to get lost in. My anger is obvious here, I know, but it also represents my decision to break the chain. Hence, "She taught me the game. She invented the game. I'm tired of the game. No more playing the game."
striking!
striking!
Deep from the heart write.
A sad poem..thought she was a kind, loving and innocent Nana but sounds like she was a little cold. A lot of girls love their grandmothers and later grow up and have less time for them. Grandmothers are hyper-sensitive to this becasue they've been through it before and fear the sadness. She may be the one who felt left behind (in her mind) and what you might have seen was not gamesmanship...but rather a reaction to perceived abandonment. She likely loved you very much.
this is something to deal with. peace.
People slip through your fingers, much like the wind. I would curse the wind for abandonment and lonliness, if I didn't know the futility. Despair wrenches reasoning from our process and leaves only instinct. How dare she leave this realm when you had more love to bestow. My condolences.