⋅ 19 December 2011

I love you Mom.

Do you know how much of my life I have sat in front of the mirror and hated what I saw because of the self loathing you birthed me in?

I came from you
You are my Genesis
I crawled from you,
I've crawled to you ever since
wanting love.
Wanting to know I am yours.

How was I to know there was no love to be had? You didn't even have enough for yourself, how could you have had enough for me?

Since I was small I craved the warmth of your acceptance.
The sunlight of your smile.
The inner glow that can only come from you seeing me.
Just looking at me with the eyes only a Mother can look on her child with. To know that I am seen not as you would have me but simply as I am.

Do you even know the hours, the days, the years I have spent asking myself, "Will she love me now?"

If I'd just tweak one thing
if I change this here...
erase that there...

If I slash myself to ribbons and hate myself half as much as you, would you have room in your heart for me? Could I just surgically implant my rag doll self in your heart and you would finally understand?

I don't even know what you want from me.
All I know is when I look in the mirror the answer is "Not this."

Not me
Never me
You never wanted me.
I am some sick cosmic joke your God played on you.
I am your Nemesis.
A changeling.
I should have been something else and I should have known better to want your love.
To even assume I was worthy
I was enough for you.

Do you know how much of my life I have sat in front of the mirror and hated what I saw because of the self loathing you birthed me in?

I try to remember how ever much pain you have forced down my throat, how much self hatred you taught me my pain is nothing compared to what you must feel to put your own daughter through this much suffering.

I love you Mom. Why can't you love me?

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  • this is heartfelt this is painful you made me feel yourpain you are good but hey, talk to her then write a poem again about it20 Dec 2011 by

  • Thank you Naida! I appreciate the love and support21 Dec 2011 by

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